These are the kind of stories I'd like to tell someday. I work toward them, but for now, this is my story.

I Am Anonymous
I am "Anonymous." The dictionary says that means "nameless, unsigned, having unknown origin." And yet, I have a name. Though I write this article anonymously, I am not anonymous. I am many things. I am a woman, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a cat owner (OK, a woman owned by a cat), a poet, a music lover, a teacher, a staff developer, a Leo with Gemini rising (whatever that means). I am the sum of all I have met, and I am unique, and... I am a lesbian. That last part is what compels me to do something I have never done before: write an article anonymously.

I feel torn about writing anonymously. It rings of... fear, shame, gutlessness. I don't like the message it seems to send -- that to be gay is to have something to hide. I have nothing to hide. I am out in most aspects of my life -- to my family, to my friends, to some of my colleagues whom I have known for many years. I, however, am not out to the learners in my GED class, nor am I out to my coworkers or director there.

People have different ideas about what being "out" means. I have heard people say things like "why do gay people have to be 'out' anyway? What does your being gay have to do with your teaching?" I know they don't understand. They proudly wear their wedding rings or display pictures of their spouses on their desks or feel free to chat with their colleagues about what they did over the weekend without having to leave out names or change pronouns. Heterosexuals are usually out by default.

Being Out
By being "out" in my work, I don't mean sharing in an inappropriate way the personal details of my life. I simply mean being open and honestly myself. The "out" I mean would allow the scenarios I wrote about above to be reality. It would mean that my identity as a teacher who happens to be gay would not be considered a secret or something to hide.

That question "What does my sexual orientation have to do with my teaching?" is one I have struggled with as well. It doesn't directly have any relation to my work except in the way that any aspect of identity is a part of what I bring to my work. To what extent is it possible to keep who I am out of my teaching? Other aspects of who I am are a part of my teaching-my sense of humor, my interest in poetry, my style of teaching and interacting, my ethnic and racial background. All those things I bring with me to the classroom. You cannot not bring your basic self to your teaching. Teaching is an art and a science, and like any art form, it is partially an expression of who you are.

Being aware of what I bring to the classroom helps me to be aware of the similarities and differences I have with my learners. It helps me be aware enough to ask questions like: How do my learners perceive the world given who they are and who they bring into this classroom we share? How do they learn best? How can I communicate best with them? Bringing awareness and sensitivity to the different needs, learning styles, and backgrounds their learners bring into the classroom is part of what I believe a good teacher does.

Trust and Safety
Creating an atmosphere in which real learning and growth can take place requires trust and safety. The learners I have had over the years can spot a phony a mile away. They know when someone is putting them on, and they know when someone is sincere. I have wondered many times if they notice when I steer clear of topics that come up in discussions like the ones in those scenarios above. I wonder how it makes them feel, and I wonder what it must be like to be a gay learner in my class. Do they feel safe here? Do they worry that they will experience ridicule or discrimination here? Am I creating a positive environment for all of my learners?

And what of the other learners? What of the others who come into class who believe that they don't know anyone who is gay, that GBLT* people are those "other" people, people they have heard about who molest children, who only think about sex, who are bad or dangerous individuals. What about them? Am I challenging them to broaden their thinking? Clearly, my being in the closet does nothing to challenge them to reconsider those myths about gay people. I believe helping people to think for themselves in a critical way is part of my job.

There are many reasons to be out in my teaching, but sadly, there are equally pressing reasons not to be. I teach in a large learning center where differences of any nature are barely tolerated. I have heard the homophobic jokes that the director and the office staff tell. The atmosphere in the center as a whole, outside the door of my classroom is not safe. My job is protected by law in Massachusetts. I am lucky in some regards. I live in one of only 11 states that prohibits firing people simply because they are gay. Still, I worry. Would this director make it so hard to do my job as an out gay teacher that I would be forced to leave? Would I be able to work with the rest of the staff in a productive way if I were out? Would my learners have a negative reaction if they knew?

As important as those questions are, I know that in the end, if I am not true to myself, to my convictions as a teacher and as a human being, I will not be able to teach in the way that I know I can. I constantly encourage my learners to face their fears, to take risks in the service of learning and growth. How can I not face my own? Coming out is a process they say. Unless you come out on the cover of Time, like Ellen DeGeneres, decisions about when, how, and whether to come out are continual. People come out in their own way, in their own time, at their own pace. In the last year, I have taken small steps toward being more out in my teaching.

I have gained support and ideas on how to gradually be more out from the "Page 4 Coalition" (see article by Martha Merson). I have begun to pay closer attention to how I address questions that come up in my class around sexual orientation, and I have begun to explore the possibility of leaving this center in search of a more positive and tolerant environment. I have one foot out of the closet, and slowly, inch by inch, my other foot is following.

*GBLT Refers to Gay, Bisexual, Lesbian, Transgender